August in New Orleans

Trashy, junky, messy art journal from 2020, early 2021.

I have not been on this account for almost two years. And to be honest, I am not sure if I am going to return. I culled my friends list heavily in an emotional outburst last year; I think some dear people were hurt by that, and I am sorry. I haven’t known what to say. Or how to say it. I don’t want to put lipstick on a pig or pretend that I thought I was making the right choices. 

Because the thing is, I am not sure. 

In 2019 I wrote 3 books. I placed them on a public platform, and they were very well received. After years of sharing my creativity, these three stories by far, beyond anything I had done, got the most response. They reached an audience. In 2020 I published two of them. And in 2021 I published the 3^rd.

These are the books, the kind of books I was always going to write. If you knew me as a ten-year-old, as a sixteen-year-old–if you read any of my fiction that wasn’t aimed at children, then my stories and my style would not surprise. They are not books for a hard-to-break-into-faith-based market. Please don’t ask to read them. A dear friend (girl, you know who you are,) read one after I warned her. She was still surprised. 

If you know me as Dapoppins and love me as Dapoppins–then keep me in your heart, there. And keep all I have said about love and faith and morality there. 

God does not change. His word does not change.

But people do. 

Sometimes people have to. 

I was married a long time to a man of honor and integrity. A good father. A good husband. But we had issues like all couples do early on that we never delt with, communication and personality and core beliefs. Some we could change; some we would need to bend to be able to continue together. But we got busy and did not do those things. I did not do those things. And when 2020 rolled around I “changed directions.”

I asked for a divorce. 

Could the marriage be saved?  Yes.

Could it be saved without heavy compromises? No.

 Had we made those compromises sooner, younger, would it have been a doable thing? Yes. There is a very big chance. 

This is my choice, this change. Julio asked to work on things and help was offered, but I said no.  

Whatever your thoughts on that, I will not put lipstick on a pig. Some will say that we have to choose happy, choose ourselves. Others will see that from a different point of view. 

You may see it as you will, from your own perspective. I have spent months working it out in my head, going in circles and I still do not actually have peace or confidence that this is right, that this is perfect. I cannot think that this is God’s will, because God does not change. But I feel like there were only two choices left to me. 

Accept what is in front of me or change it.

I could not accept it. I had tried for most of my marriage and was now so far away from being able to meet in the middle that I no longer had the energy, desire, or the tiniest bit of will to accept it.

I prayed. I hoped for divine intervention. I knew what I had been told God’s word said and I knew what God’s word said.

 I received two words of wisdom, but they didn’t…fit…they were words that I think were from God, but the giver delivered them with the giver’s perspective, the way we all do. I found wisdom in them, but it was not the wisdom, the hope, the healing, the connection I needed to turn from this path. Not even close. 

If you feel the impulse to give me a word of correction now…please don’t. It would sadden me greatly. I would get emotional and cry out to God and ask him where His word was on this fifteen years ago, ten years ago, two years ago. Some might see this journey as a new and shocking pathway. I assure you, in my prayers, this was not. So, if God speaks to you–hold it. Wait. Another two years or so won’t really matter. 

One thing I was praying for, that I asked specifically for was to leave the daily work force. I didn’t want to have to quit a job and disappoint people I loved, and I needed an income that would support me and my family. That prayer has been answered. I now write full time, following a dream I had since childhood.   

If you are reading this, then you are the person who needed to see this. If you know me, you know I love God, and it terrifies me that He could be blamed for my choices. My failings are my failings. I don’t see clearly. Sometimes those around us, in leadership, don’t see clearly. Sometimes they do. Stuff happens. I  own my choices. I do not put them on anyone else.

I likely will not write on this topic again. If you felt I was ever on a high-horse or judgmental about your choices, please forgive me. I know that I was, when I was certain that I was not. And that this also, was not God’s will.

Thank you.

Dana